Dance For Camera UPDATE

I recorded my first 30 seconds of my dance for camera. However when I went to edit it, the clips had been deleted by my younger brother! So I need to rearrange a time with my dancers to film it again. 

I have also had a change of ideas. I want to keep the same song and style but I have changed the narrative. I am now going to use the song with lyrics. The lyrics are about feeling trapped and wanting to break free. So instead I am only going to use one 10 year old dancer in the park and another older dancer in a dance studio. The younger dancer represents the older one as a child. The older dancer feels like dance has just become work for her, she wants to go back to her childhood when it was for fun and she could dance freely. As she dances in the studio, she imagines her younger self dancing in the park. There is a big moment towards the end of the song where I envisioned the older dancer doing a huge leap and effectively jumping into the park with her younger self. They then complete the end of the dance together.

Here is the song with lyrics:

Script Writing Review

Script Review:

First Draft

Strengths:

I have got a lot of dialogue in my script as this is something I am strong at. I think I have captured the range of emotions felt by each character throughout the scenes. For example, when Joy believes that Pete is secretly married, she starts to call him Peter and her sentences become shorter. "Joy: So what's your one called then? Don't think I'm stupid, Peter, I can work it out. We should never have trusted you, you're all just the same! Well guess what! I will not be your floozie! Two weeks training? Yeah right you're just going back to see your wife!" I have also tried to represent different voices by trying to add in little bits of ideolect, for example Jerry always says "it is" or "you know" at the end of his speech. I think this makes the characters seem more realistic and gives them their own individual personalities.

I think I have got a good structure. It is quite fast paced. There are two opening scenes where the audience get to know a bit about Joy, Dimp, Pete and Jerry and then by the 3rd scene, the characters meet for the first time, so it all happens quite fast. There is a big build up of tension in the middle from when Billy kisses Joy, Dimp tells Jerry that Joy is cheating on Peter, Jerry doesn't want to tell Peter but finally gives in, then when Peter finds out there is a huge argument between Peter and Joy before Peter goes away to China. In China, Jerry and Peter get thrown over board in a storm. Then neither the audience or Joy knows whether they are alive. Joy then finds out that it is Dimp's fault that Peter thinks she has been unfaithful and she ends up falling out with her too. It as if everything keeps going wrong and it seems for a while like there is no way there could be a positive outcome. My play is not a tragedy so there is a happy ending. I had to make the structure of the play fast paced because I have a big story to tell in a limited amount of time. I think this makes the play more exciting to watch/read as you are hit with a lot of action, rather than waiting around for the main story to get going.

I feel like I have created a range of characters with different personalities. Dimp is shy and unlucky in love, Joy is confident, beautiful and popular. Jerry is married but still messes around and doesn't really take life seriously, he can't understand why Peter cares so much for one girl but at the end of the day he realises how happy she makes him and doesn't want to hurt his friend. I think it is important to create a range of different characters to make the story more realistic but also because different people in the audience will be able to identify with different things in each character's personalities.

Areas That Need Developing: 

I need to improve the representation of the relationship between Joy and Pete. At the moment I feel like too much of it happens off stage and I need to display it on stage. I thought about things that people look for in a relationship and ways to show your love/affection for someone else. I came up with three things. The first one is to stand up for them, I have included this sort of already in scene 7 when John starts to get aggressive towards Joy when she doesn't want to take him back so Pete puts him in his place. However at the moment I think Pete is too violent, for example: "Peter: Now you listen to me, boy. You leave Joy alone alright? If I ever see you come round here again I'll knock you straight out, okay?" I think he needs to be less violent because I don't think girls would be impressed by threats, especially in the 1950s when my play is set. The second thing I want to add to my script is a scene with the couple confiding in each other. This would show that they trust each other but also that they listen to each other and this would make their relationship more convincing. The last thing is also something I have already started to do. I want to add a scene where they give/recieve a gift. I have started this already in scene 8 when Pete gives Joy a necklace, however I want to develop it so that there is more of a build up to the moment he gives it to her to show it is an important part in their relationship.

I need to finish my script in the final draft so that the story is complete. I am not sure exactly how to end it yet, either with the proposal or the wedding itself. Ending it with a wedding would give it that fairy tale "happy ever after" feeling but it might also be quite cheesy, whereas a propsal shows that they want to be together but also leaves the story more open. What will their friends/family think? Will anyone else try and get in their way?

The last thing I need to do is focus on staging a lot more. At the moment I have a clear image of what I want to happen but I am not writing it down on the page, expecting readers to know how I imagine it when of course thats impossible. So for instance I need to give more information about characters when they first enter, what they look like, what they are wearing and what they are like. I also need to think about positioning more so using "USL, DSR" etc as this would be easier for a director to understand my vision and also for actors to get a better idea of how to perform and create these characters on stage. 

Final Draft:

I decided to alter scene 12 after a few people who read it thought that it wasn't very realistic and I have to say I agree. In my first draft, Dimp saw Billy kiss Joy so decided to ring up Pete at the navy base to tell him what happened. Pete wasn't there so instead she left the message with another sailor who eventually spread it round to everyone else on the base. "The lights go down. After a few seconds a soundtrack plays of men talking to each other. It is the sailors gossiping about Peter being cheated on by the girl he couldn't stop talking about." First of all it is very unrealistic for men to gossip like that, especially in a navy base where they would be very busy and wouldn't have time to worry about stuff like that and also it probably would have been very hard for Dimp to find the number for the navy base, especially as it was quite far away from where she lived. Instead I have changed it to Dimp writing a letter to Jerry about what she saw. Writing a letter fits in a lot more with the era of the play (50s) and writing to Jerry fits more into her personality. Dimp is not a horrible person, she's just upset and confused about her feelings. She chooses to write to Jerry as they had a connection at the beginning and also because she doesn't really want to hurt Pete.

I changed the part in scene 7 where Pete confronts Johnny because I felt that Pete came across as too violent. The purpose of this encounter was to show Pete standing up for Joy but I don't think she would be impressed if Pete was so agressive in fact it might scare her off. This is the original version: Peter: Now you listen to me, boy. You leave Joy alone alright? If I ever see you come round here again I'll knock you straight out, okay?" I don't think this line really fits in with his personality as he is portrayed as a caring, loving guy. I have now changed it to: "Pete: Now you listen to me, boy! I don’t want to see you around here, giving Joy or any other girl grief, ok? Johnny: Oh yeah? And what are you going to do about it? Pete (Grabs Johnny by the shirt.) Don’t make me do anything." Although it is still authoritive it is not agressive and it shows that he cares about her as well as the rest of her friends which is something Joy would really appreciate.

I have now got an ending for my script. I decided to end it with Pete proposing to Joy. I thought this was a better ending than a wedding because it would have to jump too much in time and also could make it seem quite cheesy.